


With Great Loss Comes Greater Healing

by kcracken



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Budding Love, F/M, Family Loss, Friendship, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 12:25:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1347391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kcracken/pseuds/kcracken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius is gone. Remus doesn't know what to do with himself. Nymphadora Tonks has offered to listen, but he just can't bring himself to talk.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With Great Loss Comes Greater Healing

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in 2007. I was having a hard time reconciling that Remus could even think about being with Tonks. I was a die hard Moony/Padfoot shipper. I sat down and wrote this to help me deal with the fact that they end up together. This helped, but I'm still convinced Sirius and Remus loved each other. Enjoy.

I can't believe he's gone.

It all seemed like a dream. One moment he was here, laughing and being his normal self. The next… he was gone. And it was my fault. I couldn't stop him. 

No, that's not quite right. I should have stopped him. I could have, but I didn't. Why didn't I? Damnable Black and his pride.

But what about me? I should have had pride enough to stop him from going into that obvious trap. I should have been the one to go and save Harry. I should have been the one falling into the veil.

It was as if time had stopped.

I was dueling with several Death Eaters. I heard him laughing, that sarcastic laugh he used when he was making fun of Severus or his own family. Glancing towards him, I saw that it was the latter, his cousin, Bellatrix Lestrange, who was the source of his amusement.

I saw it. I knew it was going to happen. And I did nothing to stop it.

Gods, what kind of friend am I if I can't save him from certain death? I couldn't even save him from himself. That was twice I'd failed him. 

Time slowed. I could see the spell leaving Bella's wand. I saw it travel through the air and hit Sirius in the chest, knocking him backwards. He fell and I saw it all, every centimeter he traveled. The blood in my veins had frozen, my heart stopped. I saw him, flailing backwards. His fingers touched first, disappearing into the veil. Next his hand. Then his arm. I saw it all. His shoulder began to disappear next.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to run to him. I wanted to fall with him. But I was rooted to the spot. I couldn't move. 

Then I heard Harry. 

He screamed. He ran. He did all I wanted to do. However, I couldn't let him do it. I don't know how I was able to, but I reached out and grabbed him, pulling him to me. If anyone was going to sacrifice himself for Sirius, it should be me. I should be the one sacrificing myself for them all. I am the one who doesn't have the rights to live. I am the one who would be better off dead.

But I'm not dead.

I'm here, without my friends. I live on, with great pain. There are times when I wonder if they would come back to me. I wonder what I would say to apologize if I were to see them again. How do you apologize to someone you've failed? Because I failed them all, the most important people in my life. I failed them.

"Professor?"

I felt a small hand slip into mine, gripping it tightly. Looking down, I saw a blonde head and realized it was Luna Lovegood. She was staring at the veil. 

"Professor, you couldn't have stopped it from happening. It was supposed to happen."

I looked at her, my brow furrowed in confusion. What on Earth was she talking about? Just how was it _supposed_ to happen?

She turned her head upwards to look into my eyes. Her eyes were ice blue and full of knowledge. "You'll meet him again someday," she said confidently with a nod of her head. "Now come along. The Healers need to take the ones who are hurt to St. Mungo's." She tugged my hand, leading me away from the veil.

It wouldn't be until much later when I would realize what she had done for me. I had been so close to stepping into the veil myself. Yet she stopped me, Little Loony Lovegood. I don't know how I got back to Grimmauld, just that I woke up there the next morning. 

As I sat there in the dark, in that old, musty, dilapidated house that reminds me of him, thinking of the child that reminds me of them and my utter failure, I wondered what I should do. What can I do to apologize for my failure?

I can strive to be better. I can try to never fail again. There is only one person left to fail, and I certainly don't want to fail him. I will keep him safe or die trying, literally. No one else will die because of my failure. That will be my job. If I fail again, it will be my own undoing, and deservedly so.

The house felt so empty. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay there. Packing a few things I headed out to St. Mungo's. I wanted to check on everyone who had been hurt. I found myself in Tonks' room last. She still hadn't regained consciousness from the spell that had hit her square in the chest. No one was in her room when I got there. I slipped in and moved over to the bed. My heart clinched as I saw her. She was laying peacefully, her chest rising and falling slowly in rhythm with her breathing. The one thing that struck me as odd was that her hair was brown, not pink or blue or even plaid. It was a mousy brown that I'd never seen on her before. I assumed that her abilities must be connected to her consciousness. That was the only logical answer.

I reached out and brushed a lock of hair from her forehead and tucked it behind her ear. She didn't know about Sirius yet. I wondered how she would take the news. My thoughts drifted to all the times this past year that she had come to the house to keep Sirius and me company. She kept us youthful, this beautiful young woman with the heart of gold. 

Squeezing my eyes shut, I pushed back the memories and tears that were threatening to flood from my brain and eyes. I made the decision then and there to stay with her. She needed to hear what had happened from me. I had to be the one to break the news to her. I moved over to a chair and sat down, pulling a book from my pocket and settling in to read.

Moody came by three times a day to check on her; I think by the end of the second day, he was checking on me, too. Andromeda and Ted Tonks dropped by often. It was nice to finally see them after so many years. Ted was quite worried for his little Nymph. Andromeda and I spent half an hour talking about Sirius. We both missed him. They were happy that I was there for their daughter and were more than willing to let me explain what had happened to her.

It was the middle of day four and the older couple had just left to fetch some tea when Nymphadora awoke. I was sitting in my chair reading when I heard her moan. The sound was familiar to me in that it sounded much like I did the morning after a full moon. It was a groan of utter pain. I quickly sat my book aside and moved to the bed. "Tonks?"

Her eyes blinked, dark lashes playing against pale skin. "Wotcher, Lupin. Where am I?" I could see her eyes trying to focus on her surroundings.

"You're at St. Mungo's." I placed a hand on her shoulder as she tried to rise. "No, you need to lay there. Your mum and dad will be right back. They've just gone for tea."

"Mum's here? Why are you here?"

_I'm here to tell you that your favorite cousin, the one person we both loved in this world, is gone_. The sarcasm of the sentence as it swam through my head made me sick. I couldn't tell her right after she'd woken up. It would crush her and might hinder her recovery. "I… I was just worried about you."

Her cheeks grew rosy. "Bit of a mess, aren't I? Suppose that's what I get for turning my head at the wrong time. So, how are the others?"

My answer was thankfully belayed by the Tonks' entrance. Ted and Andromeda were quickly by her side. I stepped back as father and mother doted on their only child. Suddenly, I felt very out of place. I turned towards the door to leave.

"Remus?"

Nymphadora's voice was soft, yet firm and questioning. I turned my head back to look at her. "Yes, Tonks?"

"Mum says you've been staying with me. Thanks." She gave me a tired, yet completely honest smile.

I inclined my head slightly. "You're welcome."

"You will be back soon, right?" Her brow furrowed under her brown bangs. _Brown_? Yes, her hair was still that mousy brown color, even though she had awakened. Perhaps she didn't know her hair wasn't pink.

"If you want me to," I answered noncommittally. I wanted to return, I needed to return, yet I wasn't sure if she would want me back.

She nodded almost imperceptibly. "Please. Dad says there's something you need to tell me."

My eyes traveled to those of her father, Ted. He returned my gaze steadily, willing me to know that he wanted me to tell her about Sirius, but at a time when his daughter was stronger. "That can wait until you've recovered a bit more."

"Promise me you'll be back." Her voice was pleading.

I let myself smile, though it was forced. "I will. I promise."

 

It was two days later when I returned. I'd spent the previous day sleeping, rather fitfully, in my room at Grimmauld. The Weasleys were there, though even they were quite subdued. Breakfast had been quiet and we all parted ways shortly afterwards. 

I knocked lightly on the door to Nymphadora's room and opened it a crack. She was sitting up in the bed looking much better. "May I come in?" I asked.

The smile on her face was priceless. It spread from ear to ear. "Remus! You've finally returned like you promised." She laid her hand on the bed, urging me forward.

I moved to her side and smiled softly as she reached out and took my hand. "I apologize that I wasn't here yesterday. I spent most of the day sleeping," I explained.

She nodded. "I understand. Moody said you'd been here for three days straight. Thanks."

I looked down at our joined hands. Hers, thin and pale, disappeared in mine. I dared not squeeze for fear of injuring her. "It was no problem," I answered. _I had nothing better to do since my best friend was snatched from me_. The words sounded bitter in my head. Despite forcing myself to go on and taking up a vigil at Nymphadora's bedside until she regained consciousness, I was still mourning Sirius. I forcibly kept the smile on my face and hoped she wouldn't notice.

We remained silent for a short time. It became obvious that she no longer believed the smile on my face was honest. I felt her small hand slip from mine. She tugged up the covers slightly and motioned for me to sit. "So," she began softly, looking down at the blankets, "I can't seem to get a straight answer from anyone about Sirius. Mum and Dad keep saying to ask you. Moody just mumbles. Even Dumbledore won't talk." Her voice was steady and even, though there was a tinge of anger.

She lifted her head and looked into my eyes. "He's gone, isn't he?" Her big, brown orbs looked so sad.

I couldn't say anything. My mouth wouldn't even open to speak the words, there was a huge lump in my throat. All I could do was nod and lower my head, not wanting her to see the tears welling in my eyes. 

There was more silence. I felt shifting on the bed and realized she had slid out from under the covers to move beside me. She didn't try to force me to look at her or anything. All she did was lean her head against mine as we had done many nights at Grimmauld when we were too drunk to stand. "How did it happen?" she asked with a soft voice.

I didn't want to tell her at first. It was just too painful, but a sob escaped my lips and I soon found myself spilling every sordid detail about how I had failed Sirius and let him die. The tears poured from my eyes onto my lap. I didn't even feel her take my hands. I only remember revealing my deepest, darkest secret to a young woman who I'd only recently begun to think of as a close friend.

I was stunned when she pulled me closer, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and letting me lay my head on her shoulder. "I'm sorry," she whispered. I could hear a bit of strain in her voice, as if she was trying to stay strong.

It was then that I realized that I was the one being weak when I should be strong. I tried to push away from her, but she held on steadfast. She wasn't about to let me go. I shook my head in protest. "Tonks, please, I shouldn't be burdening you like this."

Her arms tightened around me as she placed her hand firmly on the back of my head, forcing me to stay close. "As Molly is fond of saying: 'pish-posh.' It's quite obvious that I'm the first person you've talked to about this. Makes me feel good knowing you can trust me." Her voice sounded a bit wistful, as if she was proud of herself.

"I feel like a blubbering idiot," I said with a slight chuckle. She squeezed her arms around me again and I slipped mine around her waist. "Thank you."

We sat like that for a while. Her body felt so warm against mine. I reveled in it, and her softness, and her scent. She didn't smell medicinal, like a hospital. She smelled distinctly feminine. I closed my eyes and let the stress seep from my body. I don't know how she did it, but she made me relax.

Suddenly, the door swung open and we jumped apart like two Hogwarts teenagers caught behind the large tapestry on the fourth floor. Both our faces were flushed as we looked into the eyes of Andromeda Tonks. The look on her face was priceless. Her eyes were wide in shock, but only for a moment. She quickly regained her composure, much faster than either of us. "I apologize for interrupting," she said smoothly, "but I just came to let my daughter know that as soon as her father finishes filling out a few forms, she will be coming home."

"About bloody time," Nymphadora muttered.

"Well then," I stuttered lamely, "I should be going." I moved towards the door, only to have my arm caught by Tonks.

"Wait," she said pleadingly. "If… if you want to talk about it more, I'm always available for you." She looked into my eyes and I knew she could see that I still had issues with what had happened. "I know I'm not a psychologist or anything, but I'd like to think that I am a good friend."

I smiled in thanks. "You are, Tonks. And I may take you up on that offer."

A bright grin crossed her features and she let go of my arm. "Just owl me."

Andromeda watched our encounter with curiosity. As I passed her, she leaned towards me and whispered, "My Nymphadora is a very good listener. You'd do well to speak with her more."

I stopped and looked at the older woman. Something in the way she spoke, the way she stood, the tone of her voice, reminded me painfully of Sirius. Despite the fact that both had turned their backs on their families, they were both very much Blacks. "I plan on it," I replied, meeting her gaze levelly for a moment before continuing out the door.

Once in the hall with the door closed behind me, I let out a shuddering breath and leaned against the wall with closed eyes. I had been expecting her to scold me for trying something with her daughter. She had surprised me with her candor. It was quite obvious that her daughter was quite a bit like her.

"All right there, Remus?"

I was startled as Ted Tonks grasped my shoulder. I opened my eyes and looked down at the shorter man. "Yes, I'm fine. Just… just told your daughter about…" 

He interrupted me with a squeeze to my arm. "Ah yes. I suppose her mother is in there already?" At my nod, he continued. "You know, my little Nymph had always been a really good listener. I'm sure she'd be happy to listen to you."

I couldn't stop the smile from appearing on my face. At Ted's odd look, I explained. "Your wife said the exact same thing. Tonks offered and I probably am going to accept."

Ted nodded sharply. "Good man. Well, I best get in there so I can take my Nymph home." He opened the door and disappeared inside the room.

Suddenly I felt a lot better about things. Perhaps with Nymphadora Tonks' help, I'll be able to move on. With a much lighter step, I headed out of St. Mungo's and into the muggy London day.

 

A week passed. I had spent much of my time busying myself with reading reports Dumbledore had given me regarding the incident. The end of the school term was nearly here and the house would soon be filled again with Weasleys, at least for a little while. Fred and George were already here after having performed the most perfect prank on that toad-faced Umbridge woman. Sirius had been so impressed. Dumbledore had asked me to accompany Molly and Arthur to pick up the children from the station. I almost refused, until he mentioned the fact that I should say something to Harry's uncle and aunt as they retrieved him. That was an opportunity I could not pass. Dumbledore did suggest that I might ask Moody to accompany me as well, and perhaps another order member.

As I sat and contemplated who I should ask to come with me, my mind drifted to think of Tonks. She would be an apt person to flaunt in front of Dursley, with her pink hair and outrageous clothing. A smirk came to my lips as I thought of how appalled Harry's uncle would be when he saw her. Of course, Moody was nothing to sneeze at either. His mechanical eye was more than enough to frighten anyone. My decision made, I pulled out a sheet of parchment to compose a letters of invitation to Alastair Moody and Nymphadora Tonks.

Moody's reply came soon after I'd sent his. It seemed Dumbledore had already mentioned it to him. I didn't receive Tonks' until early evening, just when I had begun to wonder if the owl had gotten lost. As I read her letter, a bright smile began to show itself on my face.

_Dear Remus,_

_Well, that sounds rather formal, doesn't it? Perhaps I should start again._

_Remus,_

_There, much better. I apologize that this reply is so late, but the Aurors have been very busy sweeping up what Death Eaters we can find, along with protecting those who ask. We've been overwhelmed with owls from people claiming they've seen Death Eaters or old Moldy himself. Most have turned out to be merely those looking for a bit of attention and a possible mention in the Prophet. I'd also like to apologize for the ink blotches. My quills are quite damp since it's been raining all day and I've been out in it. Blimey, I wish sometimes I lived someplace a bit dryer._

_You know, I was beginning to think you'd forgotten me. The way Mum and Dad spoke, I thought you'd be owling me sooner rather than later. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy you owled me. Very happy. Well, not overly ecstatic or anything. Just happy._

_Oh, and in response to your question, yes, I would like very much to join you in meeting Harry and the others at King's Cross station when the Express arrives. I promise to dress my very best in order to completely wig out Harry's uncle. Do you think blue or pink would be a more appropriate hair colour? Perhaps I should wear my Weird Sisters shirt. I'm sure Harry's uncle would enjoy seeing that shirt, especially if I were to enlarge my chest a bit to fill the shirt out more. Wouldn't you love to see the look on his face then? Eyes bugging out, tongue lolling from his mouth, oh, what a sight!_

_Well, I must be off. Much paperwork to finish before I can start towards home. I shall meet you at Grimmauld and we can travel together to King's Cross._

_Until then,_  
 _Tonks_

I found a blush creeping into my cheeks as I read over the note. One thing about Tonks was that she was far from shy. I did, however, laugh at the image of Harry's uncle staring open-mouthed at a buxom and blue-haired Tonks that popped into my head. That certainly would be priceless. Though slightly embarrassed by her openness, I found myself quite pleased that she would be joining Moody and me at the station. 

 

She arrived early in the morning, tripping over the troll-leg umbrella stand in the foyer as she always did. Thankfully I was taking my morning tea and scone in the sitting room and heard her before Mrs. Black began to scream. I quickly made my way out to grab the curtains surrounding the old hag's painting as she went on about half breeds and unwanted half-bloods being in her home, insulting both our parentages, and generally being a nuisance. Tonks helped me to pull the heavy, dark curtains back over the painting. "Sorry 'bout that," she apologized impishly.

I waved off her apology as I contemplated the curtains. The painting was put up with a permanent sticking charm. Why couldn't that work with the material as well? "Think nothing of it. I should have greeted you at the door."

She grinned broadly. "Is that a polite way of saying you should have met me at the door so I wouldn't trip over that blasted stand as I always do?"

"What?" I was immersed in considering just how to tack down the curtain that I thought I hadn't heard her correctly.

"Remus Lupin, always the gentleman." She clasped my shoulder and smiled before moving off towards the stairs down to the kitchen. "Did Molly leave any breakfast?"

"I have scones and tea in the sitting room." 

She changed direction and I followed. She was wearing her black Aurors robe unbelted. Her hair was coloured blue and I could see a pair of jeans peeking out from under her robe, but nothing more until she turned around. My eyes widened in shock. She had done exactly as she'd said in her letter. She wore a light purple Weird Sisters t-shirt that was quite tight over her now ample bosom. The jeans she had on were patched and well worn. "Think Dursley will soil his knickers after he takes a look at me?"

I consciously closed my mouth, which I had not realized had opened on its own. "Yes, I'm sure he will," I answered as I moved to pour her a cup of tea. "Sugar?"

"Oh, you have a pet name for me!"

My face flushed brightly and she began to laugh. "I was just joking, Remus. Yes, I would appreciate a spoonful of sugar in my tea." She sat down on the settee in front of the fireplace and picked up a scone from the tray on the coffee table. I handed her the cup and saucer and she thanked me quietly.

We sat in silence, eating and drinking and keeping to ourselves. I picked up the _Daily Prophet_ and opened it to the front page. My brow furrowed as I saw an article of Minister Fudge actually admitting that Voldemort had returned. It sounded so… false and forced. I halfway expected to see an Auror standing behind him with a wand in his back in the picture. 

I looked up when I heard Tonks' tea cup clattering on the table. She was shivering, pulling her cloak tighter around her shoulders. "All right there?" I asked with concern, lowering the paper to look at her eyes.

"Just a sudden draft," she replied. She was lying, of course. Her eyes gazed unseeing at the tea service. "How do you do it?" she finally asked. "How can you stay here?"

Ah, the questions I had been expecting. I just didn't think they'd come so soon. "I have nowhere else to go," I answered truthfully. "I work for the Order and, therefore, need to be close by."

Her hands were folded in her lap and she was looking down at them. Her hair color had darkened quite a bit. It was almost black. "Don't you miss him?" Her voice sounded so incredibly lost.

"Every day."

Silence reigned again and I saw tears falling from her face, onto her lap. I moved over to sit beside her, wrapping my arm around her thin shoulders. "I miss him so much, Nym." I used Sirius' nickname for her almost out of habit. Instead of pulling away and scolding me, as I had expected, she buried her face in my shoulder.

I let my arms slide around her and held her tight. It reminded me of the many nights I had done it for Sirius. I would wake up and hear crying, only to find him sitting alone somewhere in the house. I would just sit and hold him for hours. Sometimes he'd tell me what was wrong. Other times, there would only be silence.

Her hands grasped my robe in desperation. She was sobbing openly now. "He shouldn't have died!" she screamed. "It should have been me. If I hadn't been so clumsy, I would have killed Bella on the spot."

"You can't know that," I said in a soothing tone, trying my best to calm her. "Do you really think you would have been able to kill your mother's sister like that?"

"Yes," she replied, hate filling her voice. "She killed Sirius. I HATE her!" She cried harder, her fists clinching tighter. 

"We all hate her," I said. "Especially you and Harry… and me." I stroked her hair gently. "We just have to be there for each other."

Then she did something I'd never expected. Ever. She tilted her head to look at me, and suddenly, our lips met. She was kissing me and, like a fool, I was kissing back. My hand entangled in her hair as I deepened the kiss. I don't know why I lost control. It suddenly felt… right. 

An intense desire to breathe brought me back to my senses. I jumped back, stumbling over the coffee table and sending the entire tea service tumbling to the floor. Looking at Tonks, I noticed her hair had changed from blue to pink. Her face was flushed and she looked extremely embarrassed. "I… I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." She lowered her head, hiding her shame.

I regained my composure and cleared my throat, yet my voice still came out rather hoarse. "No, it's not your fault." I pulled out my wand and the tea set righted itself on the table. "I'm sorry."

She shook her head violently. "No, it was my fault. I initiated it."

"And I didn't say 'no'." I sighed in defeat. This was going to go nowhere fast. I remembered a time very similar to this, someone crying in my arms, yet it was I who initiated the kiss. That one had been even more awkward. "If we want to put the blame anywhere, let's blame Sirius. Without him, we'd never have met, you know?"

I saw a ghost of a smile on her lips. Perhaps it was easiest to blame someone we couldn't scold, rather than ourselves. "Well, it is because of him that we find ourselves in this position," she said softly. "I shouldn't have lost control like that." 

She was admonishing herself again. "I didn't mind." I let a grin cross my features as she looked up. "It was… quite nice, actually."

My grin was infectious. "It was, wasn't it?"

I moved over to her side again and hugged her closely. "Yes, but we really shouldn't have a repeat performance. Neither one of us can afford any luxuries at the moment."

She blinked at me a moment, my words sinking into her mind. I could see she wanted to protest, but something held her back. "Are we meeting Moody here or at the platform?" Her change of subject was quite smooth.

I quirked an eyebrow at her momentarily before answering, "At the platform. We'll meet the Weasleys there as well."

She nodded and began gathering the tea service to take to the kitchen. I quickly interrupted and levitated the set, allowing it to follow me down the stairs. She smiled thankfully, though I think she was slightly irritated that I'd taken the job from her. We went into the large kitchen and I deposited the things in the sink. "I'll wash these up and then we can be on our way."

"I can help," she insisted, pulling up her sleeves and grabbing a towel.

I decided on the better part of valor and said nothing. It took only a few minutes to finish. Tonks had put the leftover scones in wrapping on the table for consumption later. I drained the water from the sink and dried my hands. Turning to her, I saw her running her fingers over a spot on the large, oak table.

She must have noticed I was watching her. "Claw marks," she said to my unasked question. "Remember when he came in here as Padfoot and proceeded to nearly climb onto the table to eat our dinners?" She had a wistful smile on her face.

"He was ravenous," I replied, smiling myself. "He'd stayed outside the entire day. I suppose the fresh air does that to a person." I moved over and placed my hand over hers. 

She turned and looked up at me, a wistful look in her now violet eyes. It took a lot of control on my part to keep myself from kissing her yet again. I couldn't do that. She was so much younger than me. She had a promising career ahead of her. It wouldn't do for such a successful witch to be tied down with an old, unemployed werewolf. 

My eyes widened slightly as I felt her fingers entangle with mine. Her eyes had never left mine, but she grasped my hand anyway. I cleared my throat nervously. "We should probably get going," I said breathlessly. Breathless? Why was I acting like a sixteen year old boy around her? 

She squeezed my hand gently and without a word, she slipped from my fingers and headed for the stairs. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. This… young woman was affecting me in ways I'd never felt before. I followed her up and to the door, keeping my emotions in check. If there was one thing at which I was an expert, it was that. Unfortunately, before we walked out the door, she leaned over and kissed my cheek. "Thanks for listening," she said. "It'll be my turn next time." 

 

We laughed as we entered the house later that day. "I sincerely think he soiled his knickers," I said as I took a breath. "Though I'm not sure who intimidated him more, Moody, Arthur or you."

Tonks took care to step around the umbrella stand before tripping over her own feet and stumbling into the wall. That only made her laugh harder. "No, I think it was you he was most afraid of. You're the strong, silent type, Moony."

A shiver went through me, instantly silencing my laughter. She'd called me "Moony" for the first time since Sirius… I closed the door and hung my cloak on the rack. "I think I'll make some tea."

As I passed her, Tonks put her hand on my arm. "I'm sorry, Remus. Did I say something wrong?"

I shook my head, willing back the tears that were gathering in my eyes. However, I didn't dare speak. My voice was sure to give me away. I pulled away from her and hurriedly made my way down the stairs, leaving her in my wake.

Once the kitchen door behind me closed, I choked out a sob and grasped the corner of the counter. Why was I crying? Why did I suddenly miss Sirius more than anything? I guessed it was because of seeing Harry and how down he was. Or was it because of what Tonks had called me? I didn't know. Something had triggered it and now I couldn't stop crying. 

I stumbled to a chair and sat down, putting my face in my hands as I cried. Hopefully Tonks would remain upstairs until I was too late in bringing up the tea. The Weasleys wouldn't be coming in until closer to dinner time. Molly had insisted she was cooking, but they had to stop by the Burrow first to deposit unnecessary items and pick up clothes.

I don't know how long I'd been sitting there. I felt a hand on my shoulder and heard the squealing of chair legs against the floor. Tonks took my hands and sat in the chair she'd pulled over in front of me. "I realized what I said, Remus. I'm sorry. It made you think of him, didn't it?"

I sat still, staring at my hands and hers in my lap. I couldn't raise my head. She shouldn't have to see an old, broken man. That's what I'd become, a sad, old, broken man. The problem was that I wanted to stay that way. I didn't want her sympathy or support. I didn't want anyone's help. All I wanted was to be left alone to wallow in my own misery. Why wouldn't anyone let me do that?

She sat quietly with me. I know it had to be hard on her. I wouldn't respond at all. My shallow breathing was the only way she could really tell if I was alive. I was trying desperately to gather my wits about me, but it was so hard. There were so many things I hadn't said to anyone. I couldn't say them to her.

Soon we heard banging sounds from above us. It was quite obvious that the Weasleys had arrived. Tonks sighed sadly and squeezed my hands gently. "Just let me know when you're ready to talk. I am sorry for what I said."

I wanted to reach out and catch her hand, letting her know that it wasn't her fault. I was just being a stubborn man. Unfortunately, I didn't. Molly's high-pitched screech came closer to the kitchen, so I made my exit, going down the stairs into the basement. It was where I stayed during the full moon now. It was my new refuge. I closed the door to the small room I would lock myself in as I turned into a beast and let myself cry again.

 

Several hours later, there was a knock at the door. Arthur's voice came from the other side. "I've brought you dinner at Molly's insistence. May I come in?"

I tiredly waved my wand at the door and it opened. The scent of shepherd's pie filled the room and my stomach growled. I took the tray from him and greedily began to eat.

Arthur stood looking at me for a moment. He began to speak, but hesitated. Finally, he got up the nerve. "Remus, Tonks told us she'd upset you. The girl is quite distraught. You should at least forgive her. She didn't mean anything by it."

I looked up at Arthur and saw the slight shock on his face as he saw mine. I was sure I looked a fright. That confirmed my assumption. "She did nothing, Arthur. I just… I haven't really grieved yet. I didn't want her seeing me in such a state."

He nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, well, you still should tell her that." He leaned forward a bit and began to whisper. "And you might want to avoid Molly until then or she'll nag you to bits until you do."

I actually let myself smile. Arthur loved Molly unconditionally, but he knew very well how she could nag. Granted Molly did it for everyone's best interests, but she tended to make it her business when it wasn't. "I will, Arthur. I'm sorry. Has Ron or Ginny mentioned how Harry is handling this?"

The older man shook his head sadly. "Not a word, though he seemed a bit cheerful when we bullied his uncle."

"You were wonderful with that," I said honestly. "And Moody and Tonks were quite frightening as well."

"Ah, but you were splendid." He took the tray from me as I handed it to him. "Will you be joining us upstairs?"

I thought for a moment. Should I go up and mingle with his family? "I need just a bit more time," I explained. "I'll be up later."

He took my answer and smiled sadly at me. "We're all going to miss him, Remus. Just remember, if you need to talk, we're here."

 

I spent the next two days in my room, locked away from everyone. Molly would send one of the children up with meals. I accepted them graciously and would leave the empty trays outside my door when I finished. I wouldn't have come out on the third day if I hadn't received an important visitor.

"Hello, Headmaster," I said in greeting as I entered the study. "What brings you here?"

"Ah, Remus, so good to see you up and about. Molly tells me you've been sequestered in your room for two days." He shook my hand and moved to sit in one of the room's many chairs.

I sat in a chair facing him, but lowered my eyes to the floor in embarrassment. "Yes, sir," I muttered in shame. "I've just… needed some time alone."

"You'll have plenty of that soon enough," he said as he leaned forward. "The Weasleys will be leaving tomorrow. And unfortunately, I must ask you to leave as well. I'm afraid the house may fall to the eldest living Black family member. Of course, that all depends on Sirius' will, if we can find it."

"It's in the desk in his room," I said softly. "I made him write it up months ago." I rubbed my face with my hands tiredly. I was about to lose the only home I had.

As if sensing what I was thinking about, Dumbledore reached out and put a hand on my arm. "I've a small place nearby where you can stay for a while. Once the will is settled, we'll see about finding you somewhere to live permanently."

I looked up at him. "Thank you, sir," I said sincerely. "I appreciate that very much."

"It's the least I can do for a friend."

"Let me fetch the will, then," I said as I stood. I climbed the stairs up to Sirius' room. I hadn't dared to go in since his death. Opening the door, stale air hit me in the face. It was still a mess, a mess with a light coat of dust. Forcing myself inside, I moved to the desk and slid open the drawer in which I knew the will was. 

As I reached in for the parchment, I found another, smaller paper on top of it. It was a note to me. My hand shook as I picked it up. Suddenly I remembered that Dumbledore was waiting on me, so I stuffed it in my pocket and hastily removed the will and carried it down to the headmaster.

"Thank you, Remus," he said as he took the parchment from me. "I'm hoping this actually has some good news for the Order inside."

"I'm sure it does, sir," I replied with a half smile. "I'm glad I could help."

He looked at me over his half-moon glasses. "There is one other thing."

_Oh dear_ , I thought. Those words coming from his mouth only meant trouble. I sat back down to listen to what he had to say.

The corners of his mouth quirked up in a smirk and I groaned inwardly. "I believe you have forgotten one of the key lessons you learned while a student at Hogwarts."

"What was that?"

"Talking out issues is much better than keeping them inside."

He was right. I had learned that lesson the hard way in school. It felt much better when I had been able to talk to James, Sirius and Peter about my problems. "Yes, but I have no one to speak with now. Everyone is gone."

"Oh? Is that so?" His eyebrows rose nearly off his forehead. "I believe there is a young woman who has tried repeatedly to help you talk out your issue, but you have shunned her."

Tonks.

I suddenly felt extremely bad. I had shunned her, several times. How awful I had been to her. Shame filled me. I rubbed my hand over my face. "I suppose I should apologize."

"I suppose you should." Dumbledore rose to his feet. "And I suppose I should get back to my business." He handed me an envelope. "There is the address and key to my loft. Do take care, Remus. There are many who are quite worried for you."

"I will, sir. And thanks again." I stood and offered my hand to him again, which he shook firmly. After he left, I went to gather my belongings and then to find Molly to get Tonks' address.

 

I stood before her nondescript doorway, mentally trying to figure out what exactly I wanted to say. After a few moments of debate, I finally knocked. Beyond the door, I heard feet walking across the floor, then a bang followed by some muttered curses. The walking started again and stopped with another bang. 

"Blasted stupid… I'm going to throw you out the window, you hear me?"

I snickered to myself and waited as I heard the footsteps approach the door. There was a momentary silence before I heard a chain slide across the door. Tonks opened the door slightly and looked out. The first thing I noticed was her hair. It was a brilliant purple and I found myself drawn to it. "Hello, Tonks," I said in greeting.

"Hello, Remus," she said very formally. "What brings you here?" She kept her body in the opening of the door so I couldn't see inside. 

"Um," I found myself at a loss for words, even though I'd thought this all out. "Well, Molly gave me your address and I thought I should come by and apologize. I've been pretty dreadful to everyone."

She watched me and I could see a grin tugging at her lips at my nervousness. She made me stand there, uncomfortably shifting from one leg to the other, for a while longer before opening the door a bit wider. "Would you like to come in? I was just making tea." As if on cue, the teakettle whistled. 

"Thanks," I said, entering her flat. It was a small, three room apartment from what I could tell. I entered directly into the living area, which looked well lived in. There were take-out cartons and clothes strewn everywhere. 

"Sorry about the mess," she explained as she moved towards the kitchen. "It's been bedlam at the Ministry." She disappeared and I heard her gathering the tea things.

I sat down on the couch after moving a well worn pair of jeans and a carton from some Indian restaurant. She returned a moment later and placed a tray on the small table before the couch. She said nothing and poured a cup of tea for me after adding two cubes of sugar and a splash of milk, just like I liked. It wasn't until she handed me the cup that she spoke. "It's Darjeeling. I hope you don't mind, it's all I had."

I shook my head before taking a sip. Surprisingly, it was very delicious. "Not at all. It's very good. I'm surprised you remembered how I take my tea."

"I suppose I will surprise you quite a bit," she said softly as she picked up a plate of biscuits and offered me one. They were chocolate, of course. 

I took one politely and we began to drink our tea in silence. After a few minutes, I chose to speak. "I really am sorry, Tonks. I've acted like a complete prat."

She nodded. "True, but I accept your apology."

It was then that I noticed her eyes. They were violet, a shade lighter than her hair. She was wearing her faded Weird Sisters t-shirt. It actually fit her rather well, even without making herself more voluptuous. I lifted my cup to my mouth and looked down into it, scolding myself for having such thoughts.

"So," she started, "did Molly shame you into coming to see me?"

I laughed lightly at her question. Yes, Molly was known to shame people, but truthfully, she hadn't this time. "No, it was actually someone else who reminded me of a lesson I'd forgotten."

"Oh?" She looked at me quizzically.

"Yes. I'd forgotten how talking to friends is actually a good thing." I sat my cup down and turned to her. "And I'd forgotten that I actually do have friends."

Her eyes sparkled when she realized I'd just called her my friend. It made her look even more beautiful. I fought back the urge to kiss her then and there. If we were going to be friends, I was going to have to learn how to control those desires.

She smiled at me which made my heart soar. "Remus, I'm not going to push you into talking about it, but I want you to know how much better I felt after I talked my feelings out to you. I'd been trying to keep them in, too. Suddenly spouting out at work that I'm going to track down and kill Bellatrix Lestrange would not be a good thing."

"I suppose it wouldn't."

She slid closer to me, putting her cup on the table. "I miss Sirius as much as you do. I miss the times we spent together. But to be truthful, I think I miss being around you more."

I felt my face flush as her admission. "I must admit that I miss you, too." My voice was soft and I dropped my eyes to the floor.

She reached out and took my hand, squeezing it gently. I looked up and saw her smiling. "I hope that will change."

"So do I," I said honestly. I stared into her eyes and saw understanding. It was the first time in a very long time that I'd seen that and I liked it. "I hate to do this, but I must be going. I'm moving into a flat tonight, thanks to Dumbledore."

"That sounds nice. You'll have to give me the address."

I laughed as I stood. "I will, as soon as I can remember it." She walked me to the door and I turned to face her. "Would you like to have dinner tomorrow?"

She blinked a moment before answering. "Yes, I'd like that very much."

I sighed in relief. "Good. I'll pick you up here at, say, seven?"

"Seven it is. If I'm running late, I'll owl you."

I nodded. "Well, good-night, then." I walked out the door.

"Good-night, Remus."

As she was closing the door, I stopped her. "Oh, Tonks?"

"Yes, Remus?"

"I like the purple hair… a lot." I smiled and turned on my heel, wandering down the hall, humming a tune to myself.

 

 

I spent the day straightening the flat, not that there was much to get messy, and reading. Sometime in the middle of the afternoon, an owl arrived. It carried a letter from Tonks, which I read anxiously.

_Remus,_

_Things are well. Don't get yourself all worked up, unless that's what you like. Things are going well at work and I should be at home in time. I am looking forward to our dinner. There was one thing I did forget to ask. Are we going casual or fancy? I wanted to know what to plan on wearing._

_See you at seven!_  
 _Nym_

I read over the note several times. I couldn't believe she'd signed it Nym. Never before had she sent me notes signed that way, not that she sent me anything in the first place. That had been reserved for Sirius. She did have a point. I hadn't told her anything of where we were going. Of course, I didn't know either. I sat down at my small desk and composed a reply.

_"Nym",_

_I apologize for not telling you anything last night. However, I wasn't even sure where we are going. I had hoped that since I am new to the London "scene", you might suggest somewhere… quiet we might go._

_Remus_

Satisfied with my note, I folded it and gave it to the owl, which had waited the entire time. I truly knew very little about London itself. Yes, I'd lived at Grimmauld Place for quite a while, but I went out rarely, usually just to the store for food or to the library for books. This was all a new experience for me.

I had just settled down with my book when another owl arrived. She had sent me a reply. I laughed heartily as I read this one.

_"Remus",_

_Dressy casual it is, then. That means an oxford and khakis are fine. You know, your normal everyday clothes. Now stop sending me replies or I'll never get out of here!_

_Nymphadora Tonks, Auror_

With a smile, I got up and went to find some appropriate clothes to wear. I took a long, relaxing shower to calm my nerves. This was the first "date" I'd been on in a very long time. Checking my reflection in the mirror, I noted that I actually looked pretty good for an old man. Thankfully it was near the new moon. I wasn't pale and sallow as I was near the full moon.

It was a quarter to seven when I left my flat and began walking to hers. It was a nice, warm evening, not too hot. The sun was beginning to set and cast a bright orange glow over the sky. As I looked at the sky, I wondered what color Tonks was going to have her hair this evening. That thought carried me all the way to her doorstep. Checking my wristwatch, I noted it was exactly seven, so I knocked on the door.

The sounds coming from behind the door were very similar to the day before. However, this time she growled and yelled, "That's it!" There was a pause and then a bark, like a dog. The door opened. "Hi!" she said in greeting.

"Hi," I replied, trying to look past her. "Everything okay in there?"

"Oh, sure," she said, opening the door so I could enter. I took note of what she was wearing and nearly laughed. Her hair was the same purple it had been yesterday. She wore an orange blouse that matched the sky outside and a pair of black slacks. 

"You look very nice." My eyebrows furrowed as I saw a black shape darting into her bedroom.

"Thanks." She picked up a black sweater by the door. "So, shall we be off? I'm starving."

I smiled. "Sure."

She hailed a cab and we rode into London proper.

 

She surprised me by picking out a rather secluded little Italian restaurant. It was run by a Squib, so she told me, whose father had once worked at the Italian embassy. When he'd found that his son was a Squib, he retired from the embassy and opened the restaurant. Niccolò was a boisterous man, very unlike what I had expected. "Buona sera!" he greeted warmly as he made his way over to where we were waiting to be seated. "Come sta la mia piccola Ninfadora?"

Tonks blushed profusely as he kissed her on the cheek. "I'm doing better," she replied. I hadn't realised she knew Italian. "Mum and Dad send their best."

"Good, good." His smile was infectious. "And who have you brought with you tonight?" he asked, gazing suspiciously at me.

"Oh, I'm sorry," she quickly apologized. "This is my friend, Remus Lupin. Remus, this is Niccolò. He runs the restaurant."

"And I am the head chef and take care of everyone," he teased. "Benvenuti alla Vera Napoli! I do hope you will enjoy your meal." He led us to a secluded booth. "Here is a menu and I will be right back with a nice bottle of wine for you to enjoy."

We watched him slip through the crowd and into the kitchen. "He seems quite nice," I said in an attempt to make conversation.

Tonks nodded. "He's known my parents for years." She pointed towards a hallway near the kitchen. There were several Goblins being shown in to what looked to be a back room. "He serves Muggles mostly, but he has a rather decent amount of magickind who are loyal customers."

"That's quite unusual for these days, but also rather refreshing." I smiled and was delighted to see her face light up as well. Turning my attention to the menu, I became overwhelmed immediately. While I knew a bit of Italian from traveling there after the first war, I was surprised at the amount of items that were on the menu.

Tonks must have noticed my surprised, because she immediately said, "I'll order for you, if you like. You aren't allergic to anything other than silver, are you?"

I couldn't stop myself as I began to laugh. I knew she was being serious, but just the thought of what had happened to us before and how conscientious she was about my allergy seemed humorous. She must have realized she'd unintentionally made a joke and snorted with laughter along with me. I finally regained my senses, smiling broadly. "I have no other allergies of which I am aware," I answered, "though I do tend to steer myself more towards vegetarian dishes at this time of the month."

She seemed to ponder my words for a moment before nodding. Niccolò walked up to the table with a bottle of red wine. "Would the gentleman like to approve of the house wine before I serve?"

I looked up, a bit flabbergasted that he would ask. Glancing at Tonks, I saw her nod slightly, encouraging me to accept his offer. "Yes, I would," I said.

Niccolò snapped his fingers and the wine steward immediately came over to uncork the bottle and pour a sample for me to try. I lifted the glass to my nose and was delightfully surprised at the light, fruity aroma. I could sense that it was well aged and had been encased in an oak cask. It was times like these when I actually enjoyed having such hypersensitive senses.

I could see Niccolò and Tonks out of the corner of my eye. They looked to be waiting for me to taste the wine. I lifted the glass to my lips and tipped it back to let the liquid slide across my lips and tongue. It was incredibly airy and flavorful. Nodding as I lowered the glass, I said, "I've never had anything so tasty before."

Tonks let out a sigh of relief as Niccolò clapped his hands together and said, "Eccellente!" The steward filled our glasses and Tonks took a sip of hers. "Some of your best, Niccolò," she exclaimed.

"Grazie. So, have you decided what you wish to have to eat?"

She nodded. "We'll have the Tagliatelle alla boscaiola," she told him.

My head snapped up and I looked at her curiously, my mouth opening to tell her she didn't have to eat the same thing. She shot me a look that said, _Shut up, wolf boy_. When I actually thought about it, she HAD said that, using Legilimency. One more thing I didn't know about Nymphadora Tonks. 

Niccolò looked at me a bit closer and then broke out into a huge smile. "Ah, an excellent choice. Everything is quite fresh. Va benissimo!" He scurried off towards the kitchen, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

I lifted my wine glass to take a sip and looked at Tonks over the rim. She looked cheerful and completely oblivious to the fact that she'd just spoken in my mind for the first time. "I wasn't aware that you were a Legilimens," I said as I placed my glass back on the table.

She had been watching the doors, and when I spoke, her eyes snapped to mine. Her face flushed as she realized what she'd done. "Um, yes, it's something I learned from Mum. I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean to do it."

"It's okay," I replied with an air of dismissal. "It was just… unexpected."

A soft smile came to her face. "Sirius and I used to sit there and have conversations while you were reading. He told me lots of interesting things about you."

It was my turn to blush. I wondered just what he had told her. "Nothing too personal, I hope?"

"No, just stories about when you all were in school." 

We were thankfully interrupted by a waiter bringing our dinner. I could see her eyes tearing up and I was feeling a bit of tightness in my chest as well. We ate and made simple chit-chat, staying far away from the subject of Sirius. I asked her about how things were at the Ministry, and she asked me how I liked Dumbledore's flat. 

We finished our meals and Niccolò brought out a slice of tiramisù for us. It was quite delicious, so much so that Tonks and I fought over the last bite. We brandished our forks like wands, both trying to spear the cake without being blocked by the other. Niccolò came over when our laughing grew loud. "I would have brought you another piece if you had wanted," he said in a scolding tone.

Tonks, grinning from ear to ear, shook her head. "This was much more fun. Thank you for the wonderful dinner, Niccolò."

I swallowed the bite, after having stolen it when Tonks was distracted by the owner's approach. "Yes, it was quite delicious."

Niccolò's face brightened. "I am delighted that you enjoyed it. I hope you will come back to see us sometime. Now, if you will excuse me, I will let you be. Have a wonderful evening."

He wandered off across the restaurant and I smiled at Tonks. "Well, _I've_ had a wonderful evening so far. Have you?"

She smiled at me, her violet eyes sparkling in the candlelight. "I have. Thank you for inviting me out."

"Next time, I promise to know more about the area and pick someplace to go." I shifted in my seat nervously. Admittedly I wasn't prepared this time, but next time… if there was a next time… I wouldn't be so disorganised.

She laughed lightly. "It's really okay. I'm glad you enjoyed dinner. Perhaps we can come back sometime… together." She lowered her head, a slight blush tingeing her cheeks, and looked at me through her purple bangs.

"I'd like that," I replied without stopping to think about the consequences. Nymphadora Tonks and I had something in common and I did like the idea of actually being friends with her. Friends went out to dinner together often, didn't they?

We wandered down the street, chatting about nothing important. It was very nice, not expecting anything, not thinking about Sirius. I realized that perhaps this really was what I needed, a friend to talk to. Our conversation had died and I was walking with my hands buried deep within my pockets. I was staring at my feet, thinking about how wonderful the night had been.

Suddenly, Tonks grabbed my arm and pulled me to the window front of a store. "You've got to see this," she said, pointing in at a statue of a very familiar looking black dog.

I swallowed hard. It looked so much like him. I must have looked a fright, because she wrapped her arms around my arm and leaned her forehead against my head. "I'm sorry, Remus. I didn't think it would upset you. I'd thought about buying one for you and just leaving it in your room, but I wanted to show you first, to see if you liked it." Her voice trailed off unsurely.

I could not take my eyes off the statue. It was perfect, tongue lolling out the side of its mouth, a bright gleam to its eyes. I'd heard what she had said, but it just didn't connect in my mind. I felt warmth at my side and shook myself from my reverie. "I…" I started, not sure what to say. "It's almost as if he sat for that, not that he would ever sit still long enough for anyone to paint him. He hardly was still long enough to eat." I laughed lightly, reminiscing in my mind.

Tonks relaxed. I felt her squeeze my arm a bit tighter. "Funny how he was so dog-like."

"He was loyal to a fault," I said serenely. "Even after all those years. I just can't believe I ever thought he'd actually betray James." A tear slid down my cheek, even though I was smiling.

"We're all at fault for that," she whispered, gripping my arm tighter. 

I gently took her arms and lowered them to her sides before wrapping my arms around her. She buried her head in my chest as I stroked her back softly. Her arms encircled my waist and I felt her inhale deeply. "You smell like him," she whispered.

I felt my cheeks flush as I fumbled for a reply. "Well, this was actually one of his suits. It somehow ended up among my things. I have a feeling that Molly is behind it, however I am thankful that it was there. I didn't have anything nice enough to wear out with you. I didn't want you to be seen with a ragged looking old man."

She chuckled and raised her head to look in my eyes. "You aren't old."

I grinned at the sparkle in her eyes. "Ah, so I'm ragged looking, eh?"

Her mouth broadened into a smile. "No, you aren't ragged either. You are quite handsome, actually. Ask all the witches in the Order. They'll tell you."

I blushed and cleared my throat nervously. "Even Molly?"

She loved my embarrassment. I could see it in her face. She was going to milk this for all it was worth. "Especially Molly," she replied. "There isn't a day that goes by when Molly doesn't mention your name. It's 'Remus this' and 'Remus that'. She's your number two fan."

I laughed heartily at her description of Molly. It was a joke, of that I was sure. She just wanted to get a reaction out of me. But, she'd said "number two fan". "Two? Who is number one?"

Her hair shifted from the brilliant purple to a deep red and she lowered her head to allow it to cover her face. Oh. I realised just who she meant and smiled. Reaching out, I put my hand gently under her chin and raised her face. She was blushing furiously; I could feel the heat radiating from her skin. Without thinking, I leaned my head down to hers and kissed her lips lightly.

Her body relaxed against mine and I heard a light, contented sigh. When I pulled back my head, her eyes were glazed over. "So, number one..."

Tonks smiled goofily as her eyes refocused on me. 

I smiled back at her then looked towards the clock sitting in the window of the shop. It was just striking nine. "Well, it's getting late. I should walk you home. I'm sure you have a big day ahead of you."

She looked towards the clock and sighed. I'd disappointed her. "Right," she said in a dejected tone. She unwrapped her arms from around me and began to walk down the street.

I sighed. This was a lot harder than it looked. Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I walked behind her. This was not how I wanted the night to end. I wanted her happy, not angry with me. Dinner had gone so well, and now I'd ruined everything.

"Are you ever going to talk to me?"

I stopped walking, wondering if I'd heard her correctly. "Excuse me?"

She turned to face me, her hair now a brilliant blue. "Are. You. Ever. Going. To. Talk. To. Me?" She took a short step backwards with every word. She stopped at the end of her sentence and tilted her head at me. "Wasn't it you who just yesterday said that it was good to talk to friends?"

She had me there. I'd completely forgotten that was the reason I'd asked her to dinner in the first place. I nodded in reply.

"But I told you I wasn't going to push you into talking. I'm sorry, but I have to break that promise." She walked back towards me. "I can see how much it's hurting you, Remus," she said softly. "Please, just let me listen."

The look on her face was one of pleading and concern. How could I be such a prat? I was acting like a child. I glanced around us and held out my hand. She took it and I pulled her closer to me as I Apparated us to Dumbledore's flat. "I hope you don't mind," I said as I looked at the confused expression on her face.

She looked around at the room. It was rather sparse. I didn't have much, and it seemed neither did Dumbledore. There was a couch and two chairs, a small dining table next to the kitchen. There were four doors; one was the front door, one a closet, another the bathroom and the last was the bedroom. They were all closed. "Nice place," she said.

"Yes, well," I began, rubbing the back of my neck nervously. "It's not much, but at least I have a roof over my head."

She then looked me in the eyes. "Does this mean you're ready to talk?"

I nodded mutely and motioned towards the couch. We moved over and she slipped her shoes off before sitting down with her legs up under her, facing me. I saw down and let my shoulders sag. "I'm really very sorry, Tonks."

"You can call me Nymphadora, if you want," she said softly.

I looked at her in stunned silence. She'd never let anyone except her parents call her Nymphadora. Bill Weasley told me once about how she nearly took out the entire Gryffindor Quidditch team when Charlie teasingly called her Nymphadora right after a match. Even Sirius never called her Nymphadora. He only called her Nym or Nymph. 

She smiled. "Or Nym," she added. "This really isn't the time or place for you to call me Tonks. This is more… personal."

I blinked and nodded. She was right, it wasn't appropriate for me to address her as Tonks. After all, that was really more her Auror name. "All right… Nym." I tried it out. It wasn't bad to say. And the smirk that came to her lips reminded me so much of Sirius.

I reached out and touched her cheek, absently tracing the corner of her mouth that had risen. "You remind me a lot of him," I said, though my mind was remembering. "Sometimes I wish it wasn't so much."

She stiffened a bit under my touch and my eyes returned to the present, looking into hers. "I'm not him," she said, "but I hope I can at least become as trusted a friend to you as he was."

"You already have that honour," I said, becoming lost in her eyes. 

She shook her head, breaking eye contact as she squeezed hers shut. "No, I’m not. If I were, you would have already talked to me."

Sighing, I moved my hand to rub my face. "Yes, you're right. I do need to talk about it, but I just don't know what to say."

Taking my hands in hers, she looked at me with complete understanding. "Just say what you feel."

Say what I feel? At the moment, my emotions are all over the spectrum. I miss Sirius, but then I have this beautiful young woman sitting before me. I want to help Harry, but in order to do that I really should help myself first. "I don’t know how to."

"Then just say whatever's on your mind."

I looked up at her, not realising I'd spoken aloud. "I…" Perhaps she was right. I should just say what's on my mind. "I don't know how to help myself. I know I have to do that so I can help Harry and everyone else, but I don't know what to do."

"This is a good start."

I hardly heard her as I stood and began pacing, rubbing my forehead as I could feel the headache coming on. "I told him not to go, that the Order would take care of things. But of course he didn't listen. Sirius never listened when it was important. He heard only what he wanted to hear. When we caught Kreacher, he was so worried. He wanted to go to the Ministry right away, so we did."

My brain erupted as I remembered everything that had happened. I clutched my head, groaning in pain. "Why? Why did he have to be so bold? Why did he have to taunt her? Why?" I didn't even notice the tears falling from my eyes onto the floor.

"And why didn't I stop him," I said harshly, berating myself. "I could have. I could have stopped him from falling through. It should have been me, anyway. Harry needs him; I'm just a worthless werewolf."

Tonks didn't miss the tears, though. She was on her feet and pulling me into a bone crushing hug. "You're not at fault, Remus. It was just fate. If you had been the one, I'd be here doing the same for him."

I shook my head, angry with the world. "No, he would have Harry. He would have gone and killed Voldemort then. All I could do was stand and stare."

And then I felt a stinging sensation on my face. She'd slapped me. I looked at her in utter confusion. Why had she hit me? And why had I stopped and not retaliated?

"You really are a bloody idiot, you know? You've done more to help us since it happened. You stopped Harry from following him into the veil. You stayed with me for three days in the hospital. There aren't many others who would do such a thing." Tonks put her hands on her hips, glaring at me. Her hair was as black as coal and her eyes were flaming red. "Yet you stand here and tell me that you should have been the one who died. I can't believe that. Like Sirius would have stayed with me…" She turned on her heel and stormed into the kitchen.

She came back a moment later with two highball glasses and a bottle of scotch that I'd never seen before. She poured the amber liquid into the glasses and handed me one. "Here, drink this. Maybe it will help you think." She raised her glass to her lips and downed the entire thing in one swallow.

I followed her example. The alcohol stung as it traveled down my throat. It felt good, refreshing, and I needed more. I grabbed the bottle from her hand and refilled our glasses, upending mine again. I could feel the haze beginning to settle over my mind, allowing me to actually think clearly. 

One more glass and I was feeling really good. I looked at Tonks openly. She was a beautiful young woman, but then again, she could look beautiful to anyone, being that she's a metamorphmagus. But I had thought she was beautiful when she was lying unconscious in the bed at St. Mungo's. She was her real self then, her hair and eyes brown as the earth.

I chose to sip the next one, knowing full well that I was close to being considered drunk, even with my werewolf metabolism. "Would you tell me something?" I asked finally.

"What?" She looked at me with piercing eyes.

"Why do you think I'm worth anything?" Her eyes grew wide in shock and I held up a hand so I could finish. "I'm a werewolf. I have no rights in our world. I hardly have any rights in the Muggle world. If it weren't for Dumbledore, I would probably be out there with others like me -well, Muggles like me, I'm one of the few wizard werewolves- living my life one moon at a time."

I was on a roll now. Setting my glass on the coffee table, I continued. "Do you know what they are like? They're feral and dirty and hungry all the time… they're hardly human anymore. The ones my age, of which there are very few since most have been killed, have let the wolf take over. They have nothing else to live for. They expect death to take them soon; they want it to come. 

"I've wanted it, before, when I was alone. Before Dumbledore came and took me home for the second time; before he presented me with the greatest gift, a reunion with my family, Harry, Sirius, the others of the Order. I wanted death to take me, but then I had hope again. But that's been taken away; Umbridge's new laws, Sirius…" I put my face in my hands, rubbing it wearily. "There's nothing left but death again."

I felt a tiny hand slide forcefully under mine, pushing them away from my face. She was on her knees, peering up at me from below. Her face showed deep concern. I tried to turn away, to hide my shame, but she forced me to look upon her. "Harry's still here, thanks to you, and the others from the Order. They need your help now even more. _I_ need your help. Sirius always said you were the strong one; are you going to prove him wrong? Sirius was never wrong."

She looked so… confident in her words. One of her hands firmly held my chin, making me look at her; the other had clasped mine. She spoke the truth; I could see it in her eyes. She wanted me to understand, but I was being so stubborn. "Sirius was never wrong," I repeated. A deep sigh escaped my lips. "When did you get so smart, Miss Tonks?"

"I am not one of your students, _Mister_ Lupin. Don't treat me like one. I am your peer, your friend. I know you're strong, but even strong people have weaknesses. I know what your weakness is, Remus: your pride." Her eyes bored into mine and I felt uncomfortable. "Stop acting like the lone wolf for once. Let me in."

Something inside me snapped. She wasn't using Legilimency; she didn't have to. Finally, her words began to sink into my consciousness. I remembered those exact words being said to me by my best friends. James and Sirius… they called me the "lone wolf" many times. And I let them in.

They stayed with me many nights in the hospital wing at Hogwarts after the full moon. Even Peter and Lily would come and read to me or just keep me company. I had my friends then, and now that they were gone, I couldn't believe that I would ever have any again. It seems I was wrong, however. 

"All right," I said softly, nodding my head. "I didn't think… I mean, after Sirius… I…" I fumbled for the right words and just couldn't find them. I sighed and tried again. "I thought I'd lost all my friends after Sirius…"

I shook my head, unable to say the word "died". "He was the last one, the last to know about me, to care about me…"

"I care about you," she said timidly.

I looked up at her, smiling. "I know. I think I've finally realized that. You and Molly and even Harry; you are my new friends. I never thought there would be anyone who understood me. For the longest time, they had been the only ones. And then, they were gone and I was alone yet again. But somehow, I returned and found them again, well, one of them. I was just beginning to feel whole again when that last one was taken from me. I was alone, one last time."

"But you're not alone!"

"I know that now." I reached up to brush her now violet hair back from her face. 

"So… why did you stay at the hospital with me if you thought you were alone?"

I had just been considering that question when she asked it. "I suppose I felt responsible for everyone. I'd lost one and I wasn't going to lose anymore. Dumbledore would have been upset if anyone else had died."

"You didn't do it for yourself then? You were just doing it for Dumbledore?"

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair as I sat back. "At the time, perhaps. Actually, I honestly don't know why I did it. Maybe I did it for Sirius. Maybe, just maybe, subconsciously, I did do it for myself, to let me know that there are people out there to care for and who care for me. I really don't remember."

She watched me for a while, a curious expression on her face. Finally, she chewed on her lip and sat forward, placing her hands on my knees. "Are you willing to accept that you now have friends? That you are not alone here?"

I leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on her forehead. "I think that I am."


End file.
